Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I See Fire

Hey lads, I'm finally back after a long hiatus.

A lot has happened since I last posted, and I was supposed to make a post or two about it but I never got around to it. I simply could not sit down and write it all out; I don't know why, but I was at a loss for words.

So instead, I decided I'm going to try something a bit different. Below is an email I sent to my best bro back in Australia. It explains what 'happened', so to speak, and I'm going to post it here.

I corrected a few spelling/grammar mistakes (I was drunk when I wrote it), and changed names of people and places, but otherwise it's true to the original by like 99%.

It was sent on Monday the 13th of October -so keep in mind whilst reading this all occurred quite a while ago.

Any way, here it is:

In mid-August I met a dude on grindr from America called Stan. He was visiting from America and we spoke on and off for a few days. On the night of August Friday 15th, he asked me to come to some gay bar to meet him and some of his local friends. I couldn't be fucked because I don't like gay places, but I was really bored and he was leaving in a few days so I went any way because I had nothing better to do and had nothing to lose any way.

So I went, and eventually found him and met his friends and we started drinking.

The place was basically full of butch lesbians and feminine gay guys -an all round pathetic atmosphere but whatever, I was already there.

A bit later into the night I noticed some dude who was sitting in the corner with some girl. I thought he was really hot and I wanted to talk to him, except I wasn't sure if he was even a local or not, or whether he was even gay. I asked some of the people I was with if they knew who he was but none of them did. So I sort of looked at him and he eventually noticed me so for a while there was this staring game going on where like when he noticed I was looking at him I would look away and when I noticed he was looking at me he looked away.

The people I was with told me to go and talk to him but I was just like nah fuck that; I wouldn't even know what to say.
The girl he was with however eventually walked over in my direction and started talking to some people who were sitting in some area behind me, and he followed suit and I sort of tuned into their conversation and I realized they were speaking in English, which meant that they were foreigners. He left to order more drinks and that was when I asked the girl where they were from and if the dude was gay or not.

She introduced herself and told me how she was from Italy and he was from Germany and that he was actually gay. She asked if I was interested in him and when I told her I was she got super excited and high-fived me and said she'd introduce me to him. So when he came back she introduced us and we started talking. His name was Michael. 

We began talking and shit and I found out that they were in my city as part of some student program, where students go to other countries via the program for a few weeks and while they're there they participate in some core activity (Michael was teaching German for example), and the rest of the time they go sightseeing and do whatever they want. He told me he studied journalism and was in his 3rd year or something (he turned 22 this year -so he's one year younger than me).
I asked why he decided to go to a gay bar of all places, and he said he's never been to one and wanted to try something different while here. The whole time we were talking, the tension between us was immense.

Any way so the night progressed and at about 2 or 3 am the bar closed and me, Michael and his Italian girl friend (Bella -the one who introduced us) decided to go back to my place to chill for a bit.

We got there and Bella basically fell asleep on my bed because she was very drunk, and Michael and I were chillin' on my balcony, smoking. 
I'm not even joking dude, but the whole time the tension between us was INSANE. I've never felt anything like it before in my life. He told me he wanted to kiss my really bad, so since Bella was asleep on my bed, we went to my kitchen and kissed for like at least an hour. All we did was kiss, but dude, it felt better than anything I've EVER done with anyone. I didn't even like kissing, it was always more like a bullshit chore to me, but this time was different. It was insanely good.

Dawn eventually hit and Michael and Bella had to go back to the place they were staying at, so we woke up Bella and I walked them to the bus stop in the city-centre at like 6am. Michael and I agreed that we would see each other the next day and that he would also properly stay over at night.

The following week, we were together every single day. He stayed over every single night, and we hung out every day. We fell in love with each other. 
I met a few of the people who were also part of their student program, and when I wasn't alone with Michael, I was with him and the other people. So that week, I was practically never by myself and I was always out. I also met one of his best friends; Steffi, a girl also from Germany. She thought I was a dickhead -I don't know why, but she still said she liked me, even though I thought she hated me. She was kind of a bitch to be honest. 

One night Michael and I were together, he told me he loved me. See, he is sort of a "quieter" guy, so I was more experienced than he was, and I was basically his first. 

I told him I loved him as well, and we agree to officially be together -to be boyfriends. He was my first boyfriend and I was his first boyfriend.

That entire week with him was probably the best one in my life, and he said the same thing about himself. On the last day he was in my city, a Thursday, we decided to go to a nearby hiking mountain, so that we could spend the last day together alone, without all the other student program people. The mountain is on the extreme outskirts of my city, with a large telecommunications tower on it, so you can go to the top of it and see the entire city and the surrounding area. It took like 3 bus rides to get there; a total of like 2 hours. We climbed the mountain and went to the top of the tower. We actually kissed there as well, quickly though, so that no one would see us. After that we went for a walk around the mountain to some tomb of the unknown soldier and we chilled there for a bit. We kissed there too because there was like no one around.

On the way down the mountain, we held hands and kissed multiple times along the way. It probably sounds corny, but I've never had that experience before, and in this country, two guys can't be seen holding hands unless they want their heads cracked or something. So since we were alone and no one was around the mountain forest footpath, we decided to hold hands the whole way down the mountain. It was awesome.

Eventually we got back to the city at night time, and Bella planned a farewell-type party for Michael and his best friend (that German girl -Steffi, since they were leaving the next morning), so I was at their place the entire night, at the party. I was pretty sad that night.
Eventually everyone left, and me and Michael spent as much time with each other as we could until the taxi arrived at about 5am to take me, him, Steffi and Bella to the airport.
The whole way to the airport, me and Michael were holding hands in the taxi.

We got to the airport and we said bye to one another. We kissed at the airport as well, even though people were around. He cried, but I didn't, even though I was really sad he was leaving. I told him not to cry because I will come to Germany to see him the first chance I got.

After he and Steffi went through the security area, me and Bella caught a bus back to the city, and I went back to my apartment, where I cried like a bitch for like half and hour or something.

That entire week, was the best of my life. I was almost never by myself, I also did very little writing and I was almost never on my laptop. I even told Michael that all throughout my life, I have rarely ever been happy. Not that I was particularly sad or anything, but that I was never really 'happy'. It was always a sort of meh; a flat nothingness, but that time I spent with him was something different; I was happy every moment I spent with him that week, and nothing was on my mind except for him.

When he left, for about 2 or 3 weeks, we texted and skyped, every single day. I also told my parents about us, as well as my cousins and shit (who are all like 25-30+). 

I also began to to hang out with a girl called Ally, who I actually met at a place Michael and I used to eat at regularly -as she works there.

Any way so we spoke every single day, but one weekend he went away to his grandparents place with a cousin who was visiting from Ireland. That week, we barely spoke. I was like freaking out, not knowing what the hell was going on, thinking he maybe lost interest in me or something.

After a week of absence he eventually sent me a message apologizing for his absence and shit, and we sort of spoke more regularly, but nothing like we did the weeks before that.

We also didn't skype again, but we did chat a bit on facebook. He became very unresponsive and I wasn't sure why, and he began to slack in helping me organize the dates for me coming to visit in Germany.

Shit hit the fan after we had a not-so-good conversation, and I sent him a heartfelt text which he didn't respond to.

The next night (last sunday) I sent him this text:

Michael, I really need to know, and I want you to be 100% honest. Do you actually love me or not? Do you actually want to be with me? I feel like I'm losing you and that you aren't interested in me. I don't want to lose you because I still love you. But if you don't feel the same way, I want you to tell me, because I can't handle being unsure. I need to know. 

A bit later that night, he replied with his message on facebook: (ESL btw)

Ok, heres a thing. I admit that i kind of lost interest in you since my coming back to germany. And i admit that sometimes i felt a little bit too much preassure from you but i decide to ignore it rather than telling it to you straight after. But even though my love has gotten weaker and i dont feel the same as you feel for me, i spoke with steffi today and as you know, she is my best friend. So i explain the situation to her and she gave me one advice: that i should wait untile we meet again in person, that is what she experienced with dimitri, the greek guy. Because she went to greece this weekend and when she was back in germany she was happier then ever. Thats what she told me. So i think that even though i dont show the same interest and the same love as you do, i still want you to come to germany, even if its just for 2 weeks.

And even if i dont answer your messages on facebook, its because im too lazzy to read them or too busy playing video games
But thats what i do normally
And i cant change it
But thats what i meant when i told you that you would be dissapointed of me the last time
And you might as well ignore this msgs because im drunk but today i thiught all this thru
And thats what i have in mind
I have classes tomorrow so im going to sleep now
Goodnight my friend, i hope we would facebook tomorrow

 I replied with a simple "Yeah goodnight".

He also sent me a song which he said reminded him of the time we sent together, which made me cry and I thought it was sort of a dick thing to do.

The next night (Monday), I sent him this message:

Hey, so I thought about me coming to Germany. I haven't made a decision yet, but I have thought about it since last night.
I have feelings for you, even though you don't have them for me. I can't just come as a friend because I'm not a friend; I actually like you. So, if I came to Germany, one of two things will happen. Either you will still feel the way you do, and I'll be disappointed and it will be awkward for both of us, or, you will have feelings for me again and it will be great for both of us, but then when I leave, we'll have to go through the whole goodbye thing again and I'll feel sad being alone, and if you lose interest in me a second time, everything will repeat itself and it will probably feel even worse than it does this time. Like, if you lost interest in me the first time, I don't see why it won't happen the second time, and I don't want to go through that again.
There is a third option, and that is that I come, we love each other again and when I leave, we both keep it and it somehow works out. But I feel as if that is more my desire than reality.
My heart says yes, go! and I really really fucking want to! But my head says I shouldn't and that I'll be making it worse for myself if I went.
So, I think that, even as much as it fucking sucks like hell, maybe I shouldn't come to Germany.
What do you think? Tell me..

He replied with (later that night):

i will read the whole thing tomorrow, i am drinking now with my friends. i have some ideas, ive been thinking about us for some time. i will tell you tomorrow

On Tuesday (the next day), I had a chat with Nina (she is one of my best female friends in Australia btw), and she told me it was a stupid message to send, so I wrote another message and sent him this:

Hey Michael,
That message I sent last night.I would rather you ignore it, and if you haven't read it yet, don't read it until you've told me what you wanted to say, because I wasn't thinking clearly at all -I was writing it purely from my emotions, and I don't agree with what I wrote, and I want to hear what you actually have to say. I'll tell you what I think after you've told me what you wanted to say.

That whole week, I was basically waiting for him to respond, as he said he would, but he didn't. I was also getting drunk every night and shit, and speaking to Nina who was trying to console me.

Finally, I couldn't be fucked waiting any longer, and on Friday morning (like 4am) I sent him this message and deleted him from my facebook:

I have a few things to tell to you.
Firstly, I'm not coming to Germany.
Secondly, irrelevant of how you feel about me, you could of at least had the basic decency to tell me what you were thinking and feeling, instead of ignoring me and disappearing. That was extremely disrespectful.
Thirdly, what we had, was a summer fling. It was just some fun, and nothing more. I was stupid for letting myself fall for you and for thinking it was something more than just cheap summer fun.
Lastly, to be honest, I kind of wish I never met you. Any way, one day I won't care about you at all, and I can't wait for that day. But until then, I hate you.

He inboxed me, later that morning, with this:

Your message is so true it almost hurts, almost. But i guess i own you an apology. I know its my fault, it usualy is. I should at least have some courage to talk to you and explain you all of this but that is what ive been doing all my life and i cant explain it - i have a tendency to ignore and mess up the things i should just deal with but i guess im a coward.

Im trying not to be but you know, im am weak. I just want to say im sorry all this happened and i wont forget that few moments we had together. I dont know if it even interests you but i just dont see myself being with a relationship with any person. I like solitude too much, im starting to thing if i have some kind of weird fobia or some shit. It doesnt matter.

And you are right, im not decent, im not honest and in general i think im not a right person to anyone to get in to all kinds of relations. So i just wanted to say i am sorry and i hope you will find someone more suitable: smarter, more intelligent, just better. You are a great guy and it was a pleasure to meet you, I wish you the very best in your life.

We haven't spoken since then (Friday).

I've been been feeling really lonely and miserable since this all happened. I've been drinking beer like every night, and just generally been like fuck all and everyone and everything.

I guess I'm really disappointed, because it turns out I was into him more than he was into me, and I allowed myself for fall for him.
I mean, one of the talks we had when he was here in my city, was how he thought he was going to be alone for his whole life, and how I thought the same thing; I actually did think that.
But then we accidentally met each other, fell for each other, and then it ended this way.

It sort of shattered my already low opinion of people.

I am pretty much alone here any way, which is nothing new, and I feel lost with everything in my life but that is all secondary, but the shit which happened with Michael just makes it a lot worse, so right now, I guess I'm not really "ok", but I probably will be in time.

I just really can't wait to get the fuck out of here and go to London to see my sister for a week. I need to air my head out, if that makes sense -I need a break from everything here, because everything reminds me of Michael.

Like, I can't even get on a fucking bus without thinking about him, because we caught many buses together. And like, as angry and pissed off as I am, it's all pointless because I know he doesn't care, which makes me even more angry and upset; it makes me realize exactly how I am in this by-myself-ness all by myself.

Either way, I've decided to give myself some time to get over him, and I can't fucking wait. To, say I say, "bleed my heart out", and when I'm finally over him, I'm not even going to bother with anything like this again. Fuck that. I don't need to be with anyone; I've been by myself my whole life and there is no reason I can't spend the rest of my life like that too. I just feel like a cretin for allowing this bullshit to happen, and I can't wait until I get over him, even though I can't force it, and will probably feel miserable until I finally do.

Part of me wants to come back to Australia, but then I'll be in the same place as I was before, and it means I'll be so far from here and everything that happened here, which makes me sad, but then it makes me realize how it's all over anyway, and it's all in my head and it just reinforces how I'm alone again.

I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel fucking awful and so alone; it's fucking pathetic. I just miss him so much and don't know how to handle all this.

I don't even know what else to say, it took me forever to write this and it was hard going back through those memories, but that is what happened -as shortly as I can explain it.

I'm a bit drunk, so if anything I wrote doesn't make sense or something, that's probably why.

But yeah, so that's that. 

Sorry for this essay. Speak soon.


So there you have it; that's the email I sent to my best bro.

I wasn't actually thinking of sharing it at all, but it was easier to copy and paste it than to basically re-writing everything.

I guess my next post will be a reflection upon it all, as well as some details about my trip to London which I just got back from, as well as my decision to move back to Australia.

I'll leave y'all with a song that Michael and I got extremely drunk to one night while he was here.

Listening to it still hurts. 

1 comment:

  1. wow. this brings back a lot of bad memories. i once had a tortured relationship with a dutch exchange student too...after he moved back everything was just so painful for me. but the honest to god truth is, eventually, the pain will ACTUALLY fade away completely. and you'll be happy again. let me read your other posts now.